We lead out of our marriages as leaders. The center of this marriage is a passionate sexual atmosphere that serves as the power source for the relationship. Since Geri and I started our emotionally healthy spirituality journey in 1996, we had a deep sense that our sexuality and spirituality were deeply connected. We have spent almost eighteen years unpacking that truth. At a New Life Fellowship retreat this past weekend, Ron and Kathy Ferrer, founders of Living in Love, shared 4 wrong attitudes that lower the sexual atmosphere of couples.
1. Sex is Fun. Most people have the attitude that you work before you play. And since sex is play, all your work must get done first (leaving little energy, if any, to cultivate a great sex life). This is very different from seeing sex as a serious responsibility for each spouse to reveal God’s love to one another and the world.
2. Sex is Something We Do. Lovemaking is something we say to each other. It is a means of communication, not an activity. Holding hands and kissing are messages. In lovemaking, the question is: “Lord, what do you want to say to Geri, through me, tonight?” “What do I want to say to Geri tonight?” It may be something as simple as: “I miss you. I want to be close. I am yours and you are mine.”
3. We Tend to Look for Our Masculinity and Femininity in the Wrong Places. Men often focus on confirming their masculinity in the workplace. Women often overemphasize the need for perfect bodies and appearance to feel feminine. God designed us in our marriages to confirm, and affirm, our masculinity and femininity for one another.
4. We Fail to Understand the Wholeness and Beauty of Sex and Lovemaking. When I asked Cliff Penner, a professor at Fuller Theological Seminary and author of numerous Christian books on sexuality, what percentage of pastoral marriages could even talk about their sexual relationship with one another, he estimated only about 10-20%. Yet sex is profoundly holy and a gift from God. It is not to be ignored or suppressed.
This list came out of the Ferrer’s work of thirty years in working with Christian marriages. What might you add to this list?