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How Emotionally Healthy Are You?
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Pastors and leaders want to make an exponential impact for Jesus.
We often spend our energy on what will affect the most amount of people. So we prepare cutting-edge weekend services, craft sermons for large groups, publish social posts that we hope will have a viral reach, all while squeezing in time for people when we can.
But when we look at the life of Jesus, we see that he focused his time on a few. In fact, he turned the world upside-down by concentrating his ministry on 12 men!
In today's podcast, I answer common questions like "How do I choose just 3 or 12 disciples?", "Who should I be looking for? (and, who should I avoid?), and "What do I actually do with them?"
This is not easy and fast work, but when we get this right, the church will be transformed.
This season has a dizzying effect on everyone - but especially leaders. One temptation is to put a smile on our face while skimming over the frustrations, disappointments, and other inner workings of our souls.
We have people and situations that are bothering us at a core level, but rather than leaning into difficult and heartfelt conversations, we choose instead to avoid them. When we do this, we step out of integrity.
This was how I operated for years as a pastor. I had people that were getting under my skin, but no tools to communicate what I was feeling in a healthy way. I chose instead to pretend I was feeling one way when secretly I was angry.
Take a moment to reflect. Is there a situation that is bothering you?
- A staff member is chronically late to team meetings
- Your children are texting during a family meal
- A volunteer is saying they are doing their role, but they clearly are not
- A church elder or board member is living a non-exemplary life
- Someone dropped the ball on getting out promotions for your Christmas Eve service.
To live and lead with integrity, we must be able to disentangle our emotions and values so we communicate them to others in a healthy way.
This is why my wife Geri and I developed a tool called the "Ladder of Integrity". It's a series of questions that we use to identify our emotions, values, and hopes. This allows us to communicate to others with clarity and kindness.
But if there is just ONE skill I'm convinced every leader must master, it's "Incarnational Listening."
David Augsberger wrote, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.”
When you master this relationship skill,
- Your spouse and friends will feel seen and heard.
- Your staff and volunteers will feel like you get them.
- Your church will experience you as compassionate and present.
- Your love for others will grow exponentially.
I want to encourage you. This is one of the toughest skills to do well, but when you stick with it, I guarantee you it will change everything.
For the first 17 years of my Christian life, my emotional life was completely divorced from my spiritual life. Or so I thought.
When sadness, anger, or disappointment surfaced from my soul, I did not see them as gifts. As a leader, I saw my emotions as interruptions to "my real work" – moving the church forward and reaching the lost!
As a result, I was not present with myself, with God, or with others. I saw my sadness as something to be overcome through prayer and Scripture. I would declare, "the joy of the Lord is my strength!" while ignoring the deep cries of my heart.
The truth is that emotions never die. They are only buried alive. They always resurface, leaking into other parts of our lives and relationships.
It took a work of God for this to change in my life and marriage. When my wife Geri and I discovered the permission to explore our emotional life, it was like opening up a dam. The world went from black and white to color almost overnight.
Emotionally healthy leaders see their emotions as invitations, not obstacles to the mission of God.
The fruit of this journey leads to less anxiety and more freedom in our lives, leadership, and relationships.
In today's podcast episode, my wife Geri and I share more about the skill of emotional discovery we call "Explore the Iceberg" in Emotionally Healthy Relationships.
Bottom line, your emotional life is a matter of life and death!
Leaders, by definition, are captivated by the future – moving forward, making progress, and changing the world.
But what many leaders fail to appreciate is that we are all anchored in our past. In other words, none of us are "blank slates". We each bring the blessings and curses of our families of origin (Exodus 20:5) into our relationships, churches, organizations, and businesses.
Emotionally healthy leaders understand that you cannot go forward without first going backward.
That is why the GENOGRAM is one of the core tools in both parts of the Emotionally Healthy Discipleship Course.
When I became a Christian, I believed I was a "new creation" (2 Cor. 5:17) and that I no longer needed to deal with my past. However, when I discovered the genogram tool, I found a new way to bring all of the baggage of my family of origin to Jesus to be changed.
The truth is – you cannot change what you are unaware of.
In today's podcast episode, Geri and I share our history with this powerful tool and how it helped us name the reality of our past to catalyze the transforming work of Jesus in our lives and leadership. Don't miss this one!
Or can you think of a recent moment where YOU let someone else down?
I'll bet the catalyst of these disappointments comes down to one thing - unmet expectations.
The truth is – unclear and unmet expectations have the power to rip apart relationships, divide staff teams, blow up families, and sink entire churches. That's why expectations are a matter of life and death!
There are 4 primary ways expectations go wrong:
- Your expectation is unconscious. You didn't even know you had an expectation until it was violated.
- Your expectation is unrealistic. It is not reasonable given the person or circumstance.
- Your expectation is unspoken. You did not clearly articulate your expectation to another person.
- Your expectation is un-agreed upon. The other person never agreed to follow-through with your expectation.
Take a listen to today's podcast.
Yet, in over 4 decades of leadership, I've found that so much of this pain is completely UNNECESSARY.
Why? Because much of the pain we experience is the fruit of wrong assumptions.
Assumptions are like a dragon that seeks to destroy our well-being.
When you and I make assumptions about others without checking them out, it’s easy to start telling ourselves stories about them in our heads that are not true. We are bearing false witness in our own thoughts, resulting in damaged relationships.
This skill is called "STOP MIND READING", and once you learn this, it could very well save your life and ministry.
Take a listen to today's podcast.
In over four decades of leadership, I've come to the conclusion that one of the biggest gaps in our leadership training comes down to one essential skill...
Creating safety where everyone around you feels empowered to communicate clearly and honestly.
Without this skill, church teams remain silenced - unable to speak truth and creating the conditions for an environment of frustration, resentment, and judgement.
On today's podcast, I'm joined by my wife Geri, as we explore the first of 8 essential relationship skills that every leader must adopt in order to unleash the God-given voice of our people.
We'll model a powerful skill called "Community Temperature Reading" and talk about how it applies to real life leadership scenarios.
Imagine leading a church where every staff, leader, and volunteer knows how to communicate clearly. Imagine a culture, where everyone feels safe to tell the truth and has the skills needed to do so. Imagine the unity that is possible when every voice is heard.
Take a listen to today's podcast.
It sounds far-fetched. But this is the question posed in As We Forgive - a documentary about the tragedies of the 1994 Rwandan genocide and the stories of two women as they came face to face with the men who killed their families.
It provoked the question - Would I be capable of forgiving my enemies like this?
This is the center point of Jesus' most shocking, counterintuitive teaching - "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44)
In saying this, Jesus set a new benchmark for love. He turned the new world order upside down. For Christians, the key distinguishing mark of spiritual maturity is the way we love our enemies.
In today's podcast, I walk through the 3 reasons our love often stops short of this measurement, and what we can do to deepen the way we love others.
(Hint, this is all a precursor for where we'll be headed over the next several weeks of the podcast!)
Recently on the podcast, I shared 5 timeless leadership axioms - portable and powerful phrases that have become adopted by emotionally healthy leaders all around the world.
For example..."Jesus may be in your heart, but grandpa is in your bones".
It's an easier (and more playful) way of getting at the truth that everyone is deeply affected by their family of origin, going back hundreds of years.
Today on the podcast, I continue this series by sharing 5 new axioms that I believe you will find helpful. These leadership sayings are extremely useful to adopt as you build a healthy team and church culture.
This most often comes through the development of axioms - short, memorable phrases that capture the essence of truth in simple ways.
Reflecting on the last two decades of leading Emotionally Healthy Discipleship, I've been able to identify at least 10 core axioms (probably more like 25!) that have stood the test of time. In many ways, they are a "cliff-notes" introduction to an emotionally healthy church culture.
In today's podcast, I share the first 5 timeless axioms that have shaped the culture of what we call Emotionally Healthy Leadership. (ie. "Jesus may be in your heart, but grandpa is in your bones."
If you are a leader, these axioms are extremely helpful to use with your teams as simple ways to build a healthy team and church culture.
